A Story I Would Rather Not Write

Some of my favorite writers — Parker Palmer, Frederich Buechner, Richard Lischer — have demonstrated the value of telling personal stories, not for pity or self-aggrandizement, but in the hope that someone might catch a glimpse of the Word that became flesh in Jesus becoming flesh through our lives. Most of the Bible, in fact, is the collection of personal stories of the way ordinary people experienced the exgtraordiary presence of God and shared it with others. So, here’s a current story I’d be happy not to be sharing.

Around Thanksgiving in 2018, I woke up with a strange numbness in my leg which didn’t go away. After MRIs, nerve testing, CT-scan, a 15-day stay on the neurological floor in the hospital, and two trips to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, I became a little weary of being a “special” (i.e. “weird”) case! They rejected a diagnosis of MS (multiple sclerosis) because it’s very rare in a 70+ year old male. We settled on a diagnosis of ADEM. We’ve managed it well by medication and physical therapy with a team that specializes in neurological issues. But…

A Diagnosis I’d Rather Not Have

Recent MRIs and additional testing have confirmed that it is MS. I asked if an earlier diagnosis would have made any difference in how we’ve treated it. The answer was, No. When I asked about the prognosis, the neurologist said, “At your age…” (not always a phrase I like to hear!) “…we should be able to manage the symptoms with meds and continued physical therapy.” I will hopefully avoid the more debilitating symptoms younger patients experience. We’ll see. I’ve been a “special” case the whole way through! A lumbar puncture and a consultation at UF Shands Hospital may give us more information on what to expect. Meanwhile, I’ve been learning a lot of MS. 

I did not know that 80% of people with MS experience “MS Fatigue.” Never wanting it miss out on anything, I fit the description perfectly. It hit like a truckload of sand. There’s no way to know how long the incidents of fatigue might last, though it is improving right now. I’m back into the pool and restarting therapy. 

I’ve looked forward to being the keynote speaker for the Festival of Wisdom and Grace for more than a year, but had to cancel. The theme is John 10:10, “You shall have life and have it abundantly.” I’ve enjoyed the challenge of having something to say about “Aging Abundantly”. Now, I have lots of new material!

The Life I’m Grateful to Live

So, how are we doing and what happens now? Several thoughts…

• Begin with honesty. “Facts are stubborn things.” This new fact about my life is not something I can avoid or ignore. It simply is a realty that will be with me for the rest of my life. Someone said, “You can’t fix what you won’t face.” 
• Center in gratitude. My life has been better than anything I could have imagined or created. I’ve received so much more than I ever earned. 
  I’m grateful for a healthy marriage to a woman who knows how to ask the right questions and search for the best answers, who is as loving as she is disciplined, and who loves me enough to do whatever it takes to see this through together. I’m grateful for a beautiful place to live, amazing family and friends, and excellent medical resources. (Thank God for Medicare and health insurance!) 
• Accept limitations and losses. A few years ago I became convinced that a key to aging well is learning to deal with the limitations — things I’d like to do, but am no longer able to do — and losses — the inevitable loss of opportunities and of friends who won’t be here to share the privilege of getting old. It’s about finding the grace in letting go. 
• Celebrate memory. I’m won’t be doing the amount of travel I once did or that I would like to be doing. But as long as I have my memory, I can revisit places, people, and experiences that have shaped the person I have become. Isn’t that why Jesus broke the bread and poured the wine and said, “Do this to remember me”? 
• Draw on spiritual reserves. I’ve preached and written that one of the reasons to practice the disciplines of the faith is to nurture the spiritual resources that will be there when we need them. The faith that sustains us in the crisis is the faith we bring into it. 

With all that, we keep on keeping on and keep learning along the way. 

The Assurance I Have 

A long-time friend and colleague is going through a horrendous illness that we know will end his life in the not too distance future. To compare (which we should never do!) my diagnosis of MS to what he is facing is like the guy with a canoe complaining to Noah about the boat! I detest the way his diagnosis has disrupted the life he and his wife had planned and is short-circuiting all they have to live for. I resent the pain and discomfort they are experiencing. I hate what it is robbing from all of us who love them. But they are facing it with the ruthless honesty, persistent courage, and profound gratitude that are the result of years of faithful living, spiritual discipline, and loving relationships that have brought them to this point. 

In his classic sermon after his son’s sudden death, William Sloane Coffin told his congregation, “You gave me what God gives all of us–minimum protection, maximum support.”

I can pray for, but cannot promise, that God will give us protection from the diagnosis we don’t want or from the forms of disappointment, defeat, or evil around us. But I’m confident that God provides “maximum support” for every time of need when we have trained our minds and hearts to receive it. That’s the “Blessed Assurance” we declare when we sing, “This is my story, this is my song…” 

Grace and peace, 

Jim